What is the solution? No doubt youre frustrated. Sounds like you should try therapy. You are so right. For women its submitting to the protector of her choosing and bearing only his children. Go be the cat lady then. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. I have read here about mostly women who do not desire sex, but let me tell you, men not wanting or giving their female partners sex is an unmentionable crisis in our homes. Hormones. She says that its up to me to deal with it however I choose. He spent 100.00 on his mother as he forgot to get her a card why cant he forgive me ? Im 87 years young and my vibrator is busy. Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herselfand the way her partner sees her. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. 5 Marriage Problems That Most Couples Face And Their Solutions, My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex And Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Having It With A Dead Body. Men with low sex drive try lifting free weights in a gym. Dear, dear men, Having said that, I understand your frustration too. Im 65 and just want a happy, peaceful existence and I cope with EVERYTHING 100% , except sex. I pay 90% of the bills, cook most of the meals, and clean (wash my own cloths). He doesn't feel confident about his body. Maddening! There has never been either emotional OR physical closeness beginning soon after the marriage. Recently she will get naked and say I just want you to cum. Just told her I wasnt going to follow all her B.S rule and moved out of the bedroom. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. With all of that being said, I an understand your frustration. Like Nike says, just do it. Meanwhile. I had a few clients who had a baby and found it difficult to start getting physically intimate with their spouses again because theyre not comfortable with their bodies, says Gopa. Your children can/will respect only what they see and experience. Signs My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me - He Rejects Your Hugs, Kisses, And Touch. So not. I work hard and have to masturbate sometimes to fall asleep. It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? I thank you for stating in so frank a manner every frustration that has engulfed me for over 40 years. Perhaps there's a desire discrepancy between you, whether in general or just at this particular time in your lives, and you're both very aware of it. Thats something that you honestly need to ask yourself. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. Just had to compliment you on what you are doing for your husband, and I agree that sex makes you feel young again, and believe when you say that your whole body feels like youre in your 20s again. You work, cook, clean, fix, dont drink or do drugs! Im a 66 year old man whos been in a sexless marriage for 33 years. I am 55, my husband is 59. I hope you two can work it out. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. Once the children appeared on the scene I would never have done anything that would risk us splitting up. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. Christi do us a favor and explain what you are talking about. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). Id never treat him as she does! He is a selfish person he is only thinking of himself. i rejected it, because I have become detached, unhappy and frustrated. Divorce is not an option, But when the second son moves out to college there is an option I take his bedroom AND there is an option I go on an extended car road trip for a few months. She know eccatly what shes doing. We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. Harley, yeah I believe men are more likely to complain then women in places like this. . Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who isnt interested? She just isnt attracted to me. In good times, sex it a wonderful way to give and receive love. It hard to bud out. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). All through this past Covid year, only one time did she come forward an say I need a hug. Do you feel my wife never initiates intimacy? Especially because . A womans lack of interest in physical intimacy can be quite an intriguing puzzle to solve. It is more than frustrating it is emotionally and physically painful. He has performance anxiety. I agree 100%. Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. Q: My wife, late 40s, has been experiencing early menopause for a couple of years. I have the same problem I love my wife but I need sex. If you want to romance her at 11 p.m., you need to understand that she needs time to sleep! she adds. I am not the same, never will be. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. I know couples who watch it together and I believe my wife and her friend are closed minded and in denial of their contribution, or lack thereof in being that person who can meet the wants and needs of their husbands. Ask your wife what she likes and what would be sexy and pleasurable for her. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. He is overly stressed from work. An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesnt know about? Also shes happy without sex after her hysterectomy and gal bladder surgery. I just want to rebuild my life again, move on, be kissed and touched! And Ive been caught too. Im leaving when I can stash away the cash. Life is definitely funny. Life is so wonderful! How can I let my wife know how sexy I find her? After my wife lost interest, I told her that we either opened our marriage or divorced. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. We went to a number of therapists but none were able to help. Somehow I thought that would be my fix. I love her. Resentment Colors your entire relationship gray. Nothing has changed. They seem just as happy as any other married couple. Anyway, I was so turned on by this guy (in love too)that just seeing him or us simply hugging was a major Turn-On. Prior to that, for seven years, we would occasionally engage in oral, which was unsatisfying since it was one sided and felt mechanical. The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. Im pretty much in the same boat. Turns out childhood trauma caused me to have an attachment disorder which in turn caused subconscious intimacy anxiety which would then cause me to suffer from severe sexual dysfunctions which turned out to be unfixable. Particularly in marriages between men and women, women still do the vast majority of household labor and childcare, even when both partners are spending an equal number of hours at work. We lose ourselves. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. If men put in as much energy they put in sneaking around spending money on hookers and put all of his energy on his wife by taking 50% of the household chores and helping his wife out with the kids and having him spice up their sex lives you will see more action in the bedroom then before as long as you are sweet and loving towards her you will always get lucky. Only 50 at wits end, I dont want to start over, but I dont want to go another 10 years like this either, I cant talk to her about it be cause she has tried it didnt work, but no physical contact and her liking other guys attention just makes it unbearable, Between the undesirable side effects of the meds I take for depression and the unfortunate consequences of menopause, my sex drive is just dead, and I neither care nor have any desire whatsoever to revive it. My NEW husband gets a hard on, loves me to give him oral sex but is not sexually attracted to me at all. In long-term relationships, sex can be the fastest route for . Communication will go a long way in improving your sex life. We dont really argue and enjoy each others company. I too have never cheated. Weve never had an argument about it, because Im always careful not to sound like Im accusing her. It is sad and hurtful and I felt she only did me favor to have sex with me.. We have 3 young kids so divorce is not an option and I had been sleeping in guest room for almost 6 months now.. I can literally be ready with just a thought. Best of luck to you! What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn't really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). Fun-loving, Honest and Straightforward. To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. Awful!!! If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. how do i tell him that in this life, especially for them both, there is more to life than just sex. Thanks for listening. If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort. For others that are on the borderline of this happening: Woman think if they dont want a penis inside them that thats it, no sex. Now its gotten where I cant get hard when Im with her, Im sure its mental causes. Id be interested to find out your age. State your case to your partners. Fix it. Sadly that BIG thing was Give Up Sex and just get over it. Some nice and some angry! I just dont get it. He never smiles? 2. Wow wish my hubby was so attentive as you! I so badly need a woman 1. 1. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. . Even books on men not wanting sex place the responsibility on the woman. She reached about 58 and went through late menopause which brought on vaginal dryness, solved with a doctor recommended lubricant. I am 52, married for 25yrs and sex has dwindled down to once every year or two. She would be lost. Man, thats no way to respond to your wife, person you care deeply about whos saying to you that theyre experiencing mental health crisis in your relationship. Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? You have to find a life without him. When I say intimacy, I do not mean just intercourse. Were currently stuck at #3, but I have a feeling #1 is gaining ground and will ultimately prevail. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. Believe me when I say that she has really tried and every time it has turned out badly, I really feel like an ass for going along with the effort the she was making. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. She said, YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN?! Bitter? It is very common for middle aged women to wind up being hypothyroid. I am very hormonal being athletic and take DHEA supplements which enhance desire. Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . I didnt either with my late husband Too much cheating etc. Over the years this causes deep anger and then revulsion in the female. Its at least mean . What to about it: Learn how to make a woman have an orgasm and how to make sex better for women. var disqus_config = function () { She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps shell understand the need to maintain a balance between her roles as a mother and a wife.
Don't Touch MeI'm Your Wife! | Psychology Today Weve been married for 27 years and have 3 adult children. . Thank you for recognizing a very very bad situation and trying to remedy. Ive always wanted sex more than she has, though the first years were pretty satisfying for both of us. It will never balance out. Dont men throb? Im too tired. So Mike, I dont know what to say. But when I try to go to the next level. Will, I dont see ruling the relationship and demanding that a wife relieve her husband, even if shes sore or unwilling, as a solution to anything except an unhappy wife. Dont kid yourself, she still understands a mans needs. 9. I think because I really enjoyed masturbating from my semenarche to marriage, I brought in a healthy way of looking at sex. All information is confidential. The dog loves her. We started dating in high school and never separated. Yes! I could care less what he says or does. Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. There is nothing sexier than seeing your man crazy! I wont lecture: youve all read about it. // Replace PAGE_IDENTIFIER with your page's unique identifier variable Why do men who want more sex end up insulting someone who has a pet? The distance could be herway of punishing you and teaching you a lesson. If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. Damn was I a dumbass. But dont give up! Theres more to life than that, theres more to life than escapingtheres connecting deeper with your partner, taking more trips, spending more time together, learning more skills, building or supporting others together, getting involved in your communities more! Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. In most cases, Ive seen that men dont realize and acknowledge the needs of their wives. Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. I have tried internet sex and it wasnt bad but it wasnt enough. My doctor keeps a close eye on me too. Doing some bootie grabbing or not being a standing up participant?!? If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know theres something going on. I would leave and strive to take care of her financial needs until she is able to take care of herself or meets a man her age or older who is happy as a roommate. My wife avoids spending time with me. If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? Been there, done that. Sounds to me like youve picking your men from the bar. He (so far) said no. I mean how do you do that if your married? She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. NOw he works well and Im proud of him for that. Ive just seen this ,not sure when posted .ive tried so hard to get wife to have sex .she says menopause.then I gave up.but other we I had a beer and told her how I felt .silly beer a..so she been trying to start sex but my body has closed down to her .im worried ive turned off to her mentally.I do love her but shes noticed im not getting aroused like I used too .and now shes saying I prefer porn, but its how ive got by for so long.its really .mested up.im 53sorry. Sex was great and plentiful in beginning (weve been together 32yrs), but he has lost all interest and I havent had sex in years. I have had a suspicious breast biopsy. We have no children. I am 60, and my husband is 65. Tell her that you love her. Shes my buddy. My biggest problem is that my wife is very, very against porn and at my age I cannot attempt to relieve my tension without it as a point of focus. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. Thank you Jeff! Oh, and me driving the car, she has panic attacks and asks I dont drive. Then it was just plain no, Im not sexually turned in. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and shes been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. 20yrs old. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Most men do their deed and roll over. I rest my case. If your wife feels less overburdened with household responsibilitiesand sees you making an active effort to take on your share of the loadyou might find she has more time, energy, and interest in sex. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? Color me confused. Marriage, at its core, is a compromise that trades each partners strengths to make both better off but at a cost. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. She is a poor communicator and no matter how much I ask she gives me the silent treatment and thinks its OK. Our mouths and fingers still work! When was the last time you went out on a date together? Just because one grows older doesnt mean that sex is over. So these women that men here are complaining about, it may just be the attraction towards the man is gone! It in no way makes it reasonable or responsible to simply do nothing about it If youre in a relationship, and you just throw your hands up and say, Oh, sorry about your luck honey, but were just going to carve the physical intimacy out of our relationship, and pretend it doesnt matter, then YOU, my friend, are a cruel and selfish asshole. A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. But at 50 she started to loose interest and dry up. if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. When they stop they stop. . Thanks for your candid note. So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to get them in the mood, others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. Its not an option. Ive considered a fuck-buddy, but I cant do that to her. We still find a way a couple of times a month, but it took my husband a long time to not feel he was at fault. For many men, wooing and life after wooing are two vastly different realities. Whats more, you are not doomed to be in a sexless marriage! I started seeing sex workers. Our marriage was sexless because I couldnt perform so we started seeing various kinds of Therapists but after 5 years we had no luck. Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? If shes not in the mood neither am I . . We are 64 years old and havent had sex for 3 1/2 years. Between her legs the next time.4, stop watching porn if you know this makes her feel uncomfortable as we all know when men watch porn that will lead into you not being able to get it up for her because you have been watching photoshops porn and all you want is that fake lady so you go out and cheat on your wife then come home and accuse her of cheating and thats why she is not having sex with you. But here I sit.pissed off. Once the women have these needs fulfilled the sexual desire for the man that gave them all the things they desired goes away. He already said she feels bad for him so she is aware of the problem. She has just lost interest. Im 54 and my husband and I enjoy each others company but he does not want to engage in physical affection or intimacy. If there is resentments in the home then it will not happen. Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. Seems to me that sex is more important to most guys than it is for a woman. There is hope on the horizon. I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. We are wired so differently. Slept in basement for a few years until I built my own space that had an apartment and work shop. Even with some ED we can still have a good orgasm..but she wont even touch me.. Im not a bad looking guy, and tend to her needs materially.. but sex is off the table. Are you crazy? Open a conversation with your wife about how she's feeling about you and the marriage, big picture, and go from there. At least you go that far to keep your marriage happy, intake, blessed. You should make an effort to equally share the responsibilities because you care about her and your relationship, not because you hope it'll win you sex. Your husband is a very lucky man. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. Think before you do what you do. But. Stay single, young men, Marriage is not for you. I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. Let them know how their refusal to engage with you sexually has affected you emotionally, physically, mentally and pyschologically. Sex is over. If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there's something wrong. I have a simple fix for all this. Lack of interest does not equate to lack of love. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. I go where I want and do my own thing, theres no where are you going, screaming and name calling. It has been 5 very long years for me. . He is unhappy with the state of your relationship. So, I know my only option is accept this is my life from here on. Your husband, not even talking to you must be so hard on your self esteem. Here after all of this, what I am trying to say Stan, is if you feel as if your wife really and truly does not want to have anything to do with sex, maybe, as with my wife, her spirit has been broken and if that is the case, she very much needs your understanding more than ever before in your marriage. Guys need intimacy too as well as sex and we love our spouses too. I understand completely!!!! I am 64 and met a 75 widower for 13 years whom exercises, takes a natural supplement to help with blood flow, and takes occasional viagra. I do most of the household chores, she doesnt work outside the home, and hasnt since weve been married i constantly compliment her looks,I have been striving for decades to woo her, and sex is now completely off the table, and she wont even cuddle or kiss. I have a TON of frustration that has built up for years. Hes no longer a sexy looking man, doesnt care about trying to make himself better, I still fight to try to look really good, no matter how I feel. Therefore, building and maintaining an emotional rapport is extremely essential not just for a robust sex life but also for the overall health of the relationship. . Laura. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. Now that I am 62 years old I can say his description of what happens is spot on. We have never had oral sex, partly because she informed me she had contracted fenital herpes from a prior relationship, but was under control. When women say that theyre exhausted, men can often take it as a personal rejection without realizing that she woke up at 5 a.m. My spouse of 40 years has no lnterest ln sex ,he does not touch me exsept when on the couch he puts his leg over mine and hugs me before we go to bed as l have scoliosis and need to sleep ln a diff bed we go to places together and we get along he says lt is his prostate which the Dr confirmed but l feel lf he really wanted to he could he says after an o lt bothers him ,l love him,but feel he ls angry at me for stupid mistakes l made in the past not cheating but as cracked up our car ,l just want to feel loved,he bought me flowers for mothers day but l bitched as. Avoiding divorce, men have two choices, acceptance/celibacy or cheating. 3, stop calling her names and no more fights with give you more chances of having sex with her that night.